Confession

I have been stealing doorstops since I was in the 7th grade. It started at the local human resource center when I was on a competitive dance team.

We had our practices at the human resource center, and I absolutely hated being on the dance team. I think a lot of the people on the dance team hated me anyhow, so the feeling was mutual. The music was terrible (I'll never forget, at 1:38 PM, April 5, 2003 I turned 14 years old dancing to Faith Hill's "Where Are You Christmas," our lyrical dance music... I shit you not, terrible Christmas music in April, it was torture). There were some people I really didn't like. The dances were embarrassing. The costumes made me feel like a dickweed. There wasn't much I could do about all of that since it was the middle of the year and I'm not a quitter, goddamn it.

Sometimes it was necessary to have two different rooms so people could practice the different routines we had (you know, jazz/pom/kick/lyrical... we had several routines). People liked to prop open the doors so they could go between the two different rooms. And the swinging double doors of course needed doorstops to be held open. One day I was just very upset about having to be at the human resource center for a 7 hour day of dance (about once a month we had "dance clinics" which lasted 7 hours) and I just stole the doorstop to prop open the white double doors. I didn't think anyone would really notice the loss of the doorstop, but they did. Everyone was all, "Ohhh nooo, where'd the doorstop go? What are we gonna hold this door open with? Can someone grab one of their shoes and put it in front of the door?" The doors were too heavy for the shoe and pushed it back. No luck.

A new doorstop was there the next time I was at the human resource center. At first I wouldn't take the doorstops during dance; I'd nab it before or after dance. Eventually I just started taking them during class when we'd be dismissed for a water/restroom break just to see what people would do. After break, the white double doors would be closed. Then everyone started to ask, "Who keeps taking our doorstops? It HAS to be someone in here." I'd add things like, "Who would do that, that doesn't even make sense." No one ever figured out it was me.

I continued taking doorstops into high school, causing a minor inconvenience for the four years I was there. I was always dismayed that one of the teachers that threatened to call the police on me (for riding on the hood of my friend's car to the end of the school parking lot) had a built-in doorstop on her door. I would have loved to taken her doorstops on a daily basis. She acts like I came to school waving a rife around or something! And I guess one other thing I'll say while we're talking about causing a minor inconveniences in high school... In the morning, we couldn't go to our lockers until the first bell rang. We'd have to wait in the cafeteria until the bell rang at 7:25, and the doors to the rest of the high school would be shut. Outside of the school, there was often a dog or two running around that escaped the house that lives nearby. Sometimes we'd coax the dogs into the cafeteria and hold the doors open for them. It was fantastic; the dogs would be running around the cafeteria in the morning between everyone's legs. And at 7:25 when the rest of the doors open, they'd go darting down the halls and kind of freak out some of the teachers. I LOVED it.

ANYHOW... back to the doorstops. I still take doorstops at Kent State. I figured that I paid for Lester Lefton's (the president of the University) many vacations with my tuition, so I can just take the doorstops. Since they keep raising tuition, one would think they could at least invest in some better doorstops. They're always these pieces of unevenly cut plywood. Whatever.

Since I've been stealing doorsteps for close to a decade now, I guess it's safe to call myself a connoisseur. And of all the doorsteps I've taken, I still like the doorsteps I stole from the human resource center. They're the right size and made of a nice material. The only silly thing about them is that they say "doorstop" on them. I don't know, man. If it didn't say "doorstop," I might get confused as to what the object lying on the ground holding the door open is. I might think, "Oh what's this inclined plane doing there? I think I'll take it and go play some basketball."

Inclined planes. Great for playing basketball.