Movie Idea (Not really, and not for the easily offended)

I love this so much, that I copied it and pasted it from Amy's notes to my own. She wrote the explanation of how this thing transpired. This was all over Yahoo! IM.

Krista and I always have absurd conversations, but this one made me laugh really hard and it was SO absurd, that I felt I needed to share it. I think it's important to note that we have these conversations with absolutely no prompting. In fact, just moments before, we were talking about calories and macaroni salad.

I have no idea how we actually get started.

It's a compilation of stupid ideas and inside jokes, like always, so if you don't understand it I'm not surprised. Just let your brain melt a little as you read.
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TEMPTATION JESUS

Krista
Don't tempt me.
I will not fall into your trap of tempation.
TEMPTATION, JEEEEEZUS

Amy
That should be a TV Show
"Temptation Jesus"

Krista
I know, and it should take place on an island, because then it's like temptation island, but with Jesus.
And it doesn't matter if anyone has sex with them, because they will be forgiven.
So everyone wins, I guess.

Amy
Exactly!
That's the big twist ending.
"Congratulations! You ALL win two FREE iPod Nanos!"

Krista
Then the kicker is that they're laced with anthrax. JOKE'S ON THEM.

Amy
I think the show would only be able to run for one season...
The network honestly can't fund to give EVERYONE two iPod Nanos for FREE.

Krista
No, it's like a reality show, you get a new cast each season.
Or you can get the money by robbing the bank.
Or the apple store.

Amy
They'd get the anthrax from Muslims, and they'd get the Nanos by having the Muslims put a jihad on the Apple Store.
And then loot the goods when they're done.

Krista
Yeah, that's true. I think we should go with that route, because then no one will see us as the bad guys once they see muslims.

Amy Moore
Exactly. Whitey has all the power!

Krista
We'll just cry, and since we both appear to be female, everyone will take our side.
Even the birds..

Amy
That's going to change lives.
And little do they know that we are NOT female, but actually a male and a cyborg.

Krista
Yeah, that that's the REALLLLL twister.
And as we get sympathy and a cash prize and enough free iPod nanos to continue our new TV series, we go back to my place and enjoy our newfound fame and fortune, and it's revealed to the audience that I'm a cyborg and you're a male. Then the camera zooms in on us as we high five each other. Then a jet pack comes out of my back, you hold onto my legs, and we break through the ceiling, we get further and further away from the camera, and disappear into a little sparkle in the sky that makes a "ding" noise.
ROLL CREDITS.

Amy
I'm going to make this a facebook note.

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EDIT: We continued the plot and we think we really came up with something break-through. Fasten your seatbelts!

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Amy Moore
Rob just puked
And Kyle told me he was eating his own puke.
And asked if I should have him stop or not xD

Krista
Did he throw up in his mouth a little?
Or is he eating vomit out of a vat he saved in his closet because he's bulimic and can't part with that piece of him?
(The reason I asked if Rob threw up in his mouth a little is because I didn't read her instant message very well, and read it as "Kyle told me he was eating his own puke"... so I thought Kyle, her roommate, was the one eating the puke. and thought Amy was being a dumbass about him eating his own puke. Rob is her cat.)

Amy
No, he threw up on the floor.
IDIOT!!

Krista
Oh. Well I guess that's wild, but not as wild as out of the vat in his closet.

Amy
No, I think throwing up on the floor is about as wild as you can get.
I mean, I keep a vat in MY closet.
It's not that strange.

Krista
I guess I'm the odd one out again. I am becoming so self-conscious because of you! But if it weren't for you, I'd be such an unpopular loser. I might be one step behind the curve, but it's better late than never.

Amy
You're just a late bloomer, and you have a lot of potential! THAT'S why I took you under my wing in the first place. I could see real Nobel-Prize-Winner behind that mask of stupid/ugly/unpopular, and I wanted to be the one who could take all of the credit for it.

Krista
One day you'll make a cliched movie out of that, and make a few extra millions. You did it because you knew you could make some money off of it once I skyrocket into fame.

Amy
I'll make you sign a contract that doesn't let you do anything that I don't approve of, and if you do, you have to suicide bomb the white house and destroy your good reputation for life and afterlife.

Krista
Except the twist is that I'm an atheist, so my guts are just splattered all over the oval office. And since I'm a cyborg, the bullets that are shot at me by the secret service are just deflected. That's how I got in the oval office in the first place.
I mean, the secret service was a big collective fucking asshole in the first place!

Amy
They are fast like racecars though.

Krista
The secret service beat the hell out of me and knocked me to the floor. I got back up and knocked them to the floor. They were sure being roughnecks, so I deflected their bullets with my diamond strength cyborg interior, marched into the oval office, and detonated the bomb strapped to my chest. There were guts and metal parts all over the place, and the United States went into lock down. Everyone blamed the muslims, but the twist is that I'm actually atheist. They never find out that I signed a contract with you and that's why I blew myself up, but at least everyone learns a lesson about not being so racist. Everyone realizes that their own insecurities have actually made them become biggots. Then the USA holds hands across America and hosts a telethon. U2 is invited.
And then later you come in and take credit for the United States being the least racist country in the world. Everyone praises you, and you become emperor of the world. The twist is that you have a new groove, and teach everyone how to dance.
And you get to hang out with Bono.
And you go to Africa and go, "YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!"

Amy
But something isn't sitting well with me, even after all of my successes, and after much thought and afterthought, I build a new Kristabot, aka Krisa 2.0, and slaughter Bono mercilessly. Neither of the events are related but they're both significant and worth mentioning. Krista 2.0 signs the same contract as Krista 1.0 and assumes the same role. It is only three months later that Krista 2.0 is arrested and sentenced to 11 years for identity theft and manslaughter, because I planted her fingerprints at the scene of Bono's demise. So I guess the two events were related after all. That's the moral of the story.

Krista
Then mechanical claws burst through my skin, and I give myself some personalized prison ink. Then I tear up the prison guards, the rest of the inmates, and run at the cameraman, knock him to the floor, tear him up, then smash up the camera. Thankfully, for the sake of the movie, the tape is salvaged. This will eventually lead to a sequel.
And the moral has to wait until the sequel, because Krista 2.0 has to go to remote sensing class, to learn about satellite imagery, where she will eventually figure out how to hijack satellites to harness Tesla's unfinished death ray at the earth.
I legitimately have to go to remote sensing class. NOT THAT THIS PLOT ISN'T LEGITIMATE.
I've got 8 minutes to get there, but I'll just bust out my jetpack.

Amy
This is around the point where the plot really thickens and you get a dog as your companion, only to later find out that the dog will betray you and divulge all of your information to the Chinese government. Feeling it would be too cliche to hand the dog over to the Chinese for food, you instead take it to the humane society where it advertises itself as a 'no-kill' shelter, but you know better, and after seven weeks of no adoption, the dog is put down and you feel a huge weight is lifted.
The camera zooms in on you strapping on a backpack, winking at the audience, and bursting through the ceiling
That will really endear the audience to the sequel, since that is how the first movie ended.

Krista
And you are in your mansion sipping a margarita enjoying your time by the pool. And you see the twinkle in the sky and just laugh to yourself as your butler delivers you another

Amy
"There she goes"

Dream

This was originally a facebook note from Friday, September 5, 2008 at 1:45pm. Obviously about a bad dream I had.

For some reason in the dream I sensed something was wrong and took off running. I had a ton of adrenaline, like that of a deer that was just hit by a car, and I bolted up a flight of stairs because there were two people from a message board I am on that wanted me dead (they lived in my house for some reason).

So I ran by the two that wanted me dead, who were trying to act all normal in their plot to kill me, and found a friend. We grabbed flash lights and I had a small hammer in one hand, and he had another weapon of some sort. My friend took on one guy, and I took on the other. I was hammering his face in and getting blood all over my white shirt. Somehow I knocked his head off, so I put it in a towel.

Somehow we got to a parking lot near some fairgrounds, and I was carrying around the guy's head in a towel with my shirt still all bloody. I was talking to my friend about how we killed them for personal defense, but I was really concerned about being counter sued.

I woke up with my heart pounding.

Lesson learned: don't want two different series about Richard Kuklinski's life at 2AM before going to sleep.

Confession

I have been stealing doorstops since I was in the 7th grade. It started at the local human resource center when I was on a competitive dance team.

We had our practices at the human resource center, and I absolutely hated being on the dance team. I think a lot of the people on the dance team hated me anyhow, so the feeling was mutual. The music was terrible (I'll never forget, at 1:38 PM, April 5, 2003 I turned 14 years old dancing to Faith Hill's "Where Are You Christmas," our lyrical dance music... I shit you not, terrible Christmas music in April, it was torture). There were some people I really didn't like. The dances were embarrassing. The costumes made me feel like a dickweed. There wasn't much I could do about all of that since it was the middle of the year and I'm not a quitter, goddamn it.

Sometimes it was necessary to have two different rooms so people could practice the different routines we had (you know, jazz/pom/kick/lyrical... we had several routines). People liked to prop open the doors so they could go between the two different rooms. And the swinging double doors of course needed doorstops to be held open. One day I was just very upset about having to be at the human resource center for a 7 hour day of dance (about once a month we had "dance clinics" which lasted 7 hours) and I just stole the doorstop to prop open the white double doors. I didn't think anyone would really notice the loss of the doorstop, but they did. Everyone was all, "Ohhh nooo, where'd the doorstop go? What are we gonna hold this door open with? Can someone grab one of their shoes and put it in front of the door?" The doors were too heavy for the shoe and pushed it back. No luck.

A new doorstop was there the next time I was at the human resource center. At first I wouldn't take the doorstops during dance; I'd nab it before or after dance. Eventually I just started taking them during class when we'd be dismissed for a water/restroom break just to see what people would do. After break, the white double doors would be closed. Then everyone started to ask, "Who keeps taking our doorstops? It HAS to be someone in here." I'd add things like, "Who would do that, that doesn't even make sense." No one ever figured out it was me.

I continued taking doorstops into high school, causing a minor inconvenience for the four years I was there. I was always dismayed that one of the teachers that threatened to call the police on me (for riding on the hood of my friend's car to the end of the school parking lot) had a built-in doorstop on her door. I would have loved to taken her doorstops on a daily basis. She acts like I came to school waving a rife around or something! And I guess one other thing I'll say while we're talking about causing a minor inconveniences in high school... In the morning, we couldn't go to our lockers until the first bell rang. We'd have to wait in the cafeteria until the bell rang at 7:25, and the doors to the rest of the high school would be shut. Outside of the school, there was often a dog or two running around that escaped the house that lives nearby. Sometimes we'd coax the dogs into the cafeteria and hold the doors open for them. It was fantastic; the dogs would be running around the cafeteria in the morning between everyone's legs. And at 7:25 when the rest of the doors open, they'd go darting down the halls and kind of freak out some of the teachers. I LOVED it.

ANYHOW... back to the doorstops. I still take doorstops at Kent State. I figured that I paid for Lester Lefton's (the president of the University) many vacations with my tuition, so I can just take the doorstops. Since they keep raising tuition, one would think they could at least invest in some better doorstops. They're always these pieces of unevenly cut plywood. Whatever.

Since I've been stealing doorsteps for close to a decade now, I guess it's safe to call myself a connoisseur. And of all the doorsteps I've taken, I still like the doorsteps I stole from the human resource center. They're the right size and made of a nice material. The only silly thing about them is that they say "doorstop" on them. I don't know, man. If it didn't say "doorstop," I might get confused as to what the object lying on the ground holding the door open is. I might think, "Oh what's this inclined plane doing there? I think I'll take it and go play some basketball."

Inclined planes. Great for playing basketball.

Legacy Village Trip

Originally a facebook note from Monday, February 22, 2010 at 2:04am

Two days ago I had to go to the Apple store at Legacy Village in Beachwood, Ohio, because my hard drive crashed (which resulted in me getting a new computer, by the way). Beachwood, Ohio, is more of an affluent area; lots of people driving Mercedes, Audis, Saabs, BMWs, wearing fur coats, wearing designer everything.

Over the years, I've observed the same thing in Beachwood (and other similar areas). The people wearing fur coats and carrying Prada bags, the so-called "rich people," are the most angry and unhappy people I've ever seen in my life. They're always in a rush, always laying on their horns in the parking lot, always talking about trivial nonsense on their cell phones, yelling at their waitresses, etc.

Legacy Village, home to many jerks and terrible traffic patterns.

Cedar Road, which runs right in front of Beachwood Place and Legacy Village, has to be the unhappiest road in North East Ohio. I don't like to make left turns around there; I'm always scared some soccer-mom wearing oversized sunglasses and on the cell phone with her plastic surgeon is gonna fly through an intersection because she's late to her tanning appointment, and t-bone me with her Lexus SUV. It also seems like they are completely unable to function with anyone else who isn't as rich and angry as themselves.

If being rich tuns you into a total douche-bag incapable of dealing with anyone that makes less money than you (and also seems to make you vote for idiots-- I've used election data and matched it up with other data like income per capita, from households, to towns, to counties, and seen how there's a definite correlation between the two), I'd rather live on welfare. Even though I think the welfare system in place right now is so screwed up! I'm serious. I'd never trade in my happiness for money.

Note: I realize that not all rich people act this way, and are perfectly integrated into the rest of society. I also know some cool people from Beachwood. CALM DOWN!

Favorite Facebook Observation

Originally a facebook note from Sunday, November 15, 2009 at 11:17pm

Ever since facebook has introduced the new news feed that everyone hates so dearly, I am notified of each and every "friend" being tagged in pictures and albums. I am not trying to be a creepy stalker; facebook by default does the stalking for me. But I can't resist looking at the ubiquitous red-cup pictures that pop up in my news feed sometimes. You know, the same pictures from a party or "crazy weekend" that are full of pizza-faced frat boys with their hats on sideways, and girls with their fake orange tans, caked up foundation, and North Face jackets... both genders holding either a Natural Light or Keystone Light beer (or some other piss-water of sorts) in their hands. Or mid-beer pong throw. Or mid-chug.

But that's not what my favorite thing is. My favorite thing occurs over a few months or more. It's when these certain people I always see in my news feed keep partying on a consistent basis, and allow a gazillion pictures of themselves to be tagged... thus publicly displaying the process of an alcohol-induced weight gain via facebook. It's the best when it's someone that frequents my news feed with beer bongs, or someone who always brags in their status updates about how many shots they had the previous night. Especially when this habit is kept up over a year or so. Then they really have some time to pack on the pounds, and the gradual progression is captured all in tagged pictures. It's amazing.

What makes the pictures even funnier is if the person...

-is in a sorority.
-is in a fraternity.
-is wearing a North Face jacket.
-is wearing Ugg boots.
-has a cell phone in hand.
-has a big wad of gum in their mouth.
-is proudly displaying the drink of choice.
-is playing a drinking game.
-is doing poorly in classes.
-is obviously older than everyone else at the party, but acts like they are not.
-is wearing a shirt that says "princess" or "hottie."
-is wearing a shirt with some sort of sexual innuendo.
-if there are pictures of scantily clad women/men on the wall behind them.
-if the picture has a really stupid caption (ex: Soooo drunk, omg, luv u bitchez <3 <3 ).
-is often missing from their morning classes.
-is supposedly on a diet.
-has "spilled a drink" on their pants.
-when someone in the background is puking/falling.

I people watch a lot. I like to think that I can read into people quite well, for the most part. I like watching people react to things. I've seen and heard some pretty absurd things. And still, these pictures that show up in my news feed are just so hilarious... the best part is that I don't even have to leave the comfort of my home to watch it happen. I don't understand why people watch mind-rotting garbage like "The Hills," "Laguna Beach," "The Real World," et cetera when there is a plentiful amount of genuine and unstaged reality (and hilarity) right in front of them.

And now that I think of it, using this note as my guide, a fun game could probably be made out of this, haaaa.

NOTE: I would like to point out that I don't care if people drink or party. I'm certain that almost everyone, myself included, drinks or parties sometimes. I also want to point out that I know not all frat boys or sorority girls are pizza-faced and wear North Face/Ugg combo wearing idiots. In fact, some are quite brilliant. It's just the girls wearing the combo of short-shorts or sweatpants with Ugg boots, a sloppy hair bun, North Face jacket, Vera Bradley bag (or tote with Greek letters on it), oversized sunglasses and a big wad of gum in their mouth make everyone else look bad. Same thing with the guys, except they are not as easy to point out clothing wise. Also, props to the people that frequent my news feed with their alcohol pictures, but have never gained weight.

I Hate "Hotel California"

A facebook note originally from Thursday, July 9, 2009 at 2:32am

That's all I wanted to say, really.

This note is not anything but a complaint, 100% my opinion, and poorly written because I don't feel like proofreading. But I think it's a terrible song and feel like complaining to anyone about it. I'd listen to the Lemon Pipers' "Green Tambourine" or The O'Kaysions "Girl Watcher" on repeat five times before listening to "Hotel California" once.

The only song I can say I hate as much as the Eagles' "Hotel California" is "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney. But at least "Wonderful Christmastime" has ahilarious video to accompany it that almost makes me forget about how awful the song is (no really, the music video is so cheesy and random that I actually laughed out loud at it). And how about that killer synth! Also, this is my favorite comment on the "Wonderful Christmastime" video from YouTube- you'd obviously have to watch the video to get it:

SystemJammer (3 weeks ago) Hide -4
The solo from 2:43 to 2:56 is simply dope! Who played it?

Anyhow, I don't know what led me to hating the song so much. Maybe it's partly due to the fact that it's overdone and overplayed? Either way, any time it comes on, it takes A LOT of mental energy to not make a remark to the nearest person about how much I dislike the song. The end.

PS- I'm not trying to imply that anyone who likes "Hotel California" has bad taste in music. Obviously a lot of people think it's the BEST SONG EVAR!!1! Besides, I'm sure a lot of people think I listen to pure shit. What do I know?

PSS- While I'm at it, I hate Don Henley. I'm going to sing "Don Henley Must Die," because it's relevant and I think Mojo Nixon is cool.

I want one.

How does the Ashtabula mall still exist!?

A facebook note originally from Thursday, June 11, 2009 at 3:32pm

Today I drove by the Ashtabula Mall. Rather, the Ashtabula assortment of stores collectively in one small area (it's truly not a mall). I noticed that the "mall" now has a brand new sign with this huge LED screen on it. Believe me, I would like to see things look nicer around this area, but can anyone tell me where they got the money to install such a sign? I'm sure it wasn't cheap. If you walk through the inside of the "mall," it's like walking through a ghost town. Vacant stores are probably more common than stores actually open for business- it's pretty depressing. I don't get it, more and more businesses are shutting down and leaving, yet they have managed to scrape up the funds renovate the interior, build indoor play areas for kids, install flat screen TVs, and now there's a huge LED sign on the outside. That's all well and good, but where's the money for these things coming from? Can I see the budget anywhere? Does anyone know? I don't know much about budgeting, but just from observation I'm pretty sure that those weren't very wise investments... at least not all of them at once. I will be truly and honestly surprised if the place is still around 10 years down the road. Malls are dying across the country, so we must really be screwed here in the rust belt. Even malls in well to do areas that have all of their stores open and flourishing are having problems not going bankrupt (like Beachwood) so how is it that the Ashtabula "mall" is still kickin'? Again, I don't know all of the politics behind this thing or how close to "dying" it truly is (though I'm convinced it is on its last leg), but if I ran the Ashtabula "mall," I think I'd rather go out gracefully than go out with deeper holes in my pockets.

Here's the old sign. It really wasn't that bad, no? Also, you should know we really care about our ejumacation here, so we decided to have "family LITERCY day."

Oh, and then there's this (along with lots of other things) that just push me over the edge. I found this a few minutes ago while searching for images of the Ashtabula "mall." I'm not sure what exactly these pictures were for, but at Ohio State, they had someone representing each of the 88 counties of Ohio. The representative from each county had to wear a shirt with the county name on it. But notice how they spelled Ashtabula:

A-S-H-T-U-B-L-A.

I feel bad for the girl that had to wear this misspelled shirt. She probably facepalmed herself upon seeing it, just like me.

At first I thought, "Well hey, maybe they couldn't fit Ashtabula on the shirt." Wrong. Not only does spelling it "Ashtubla" not make much sense because the B and U are misplaced, but whoever made the shirts spelled other counties with more confusing pronunciations and even more letters correct way. Example:

I used to hate everyone from Tuscarawas county because they got more snow days than us. THEY AREN'T EVEN IN THE SNOW BELT! WHAT THE HELL!

Tuscara-WUSSIES.